Is It Okay If I Miss You?
by Brighton Early
Summary: Edward and Bella's relationship was always filled with secrets but one day Bella decides she can't live the lie any more. Femmeslash, AxB, ExJ


I miss you, so much. Some days it feels like the weight of missing you steals the breath from my lungs and even though I don't need to breath, I feel like I'm suffocating.

I remember the day they left in perfect clarity. I had thought about it enough times that not even the change could steal it from the recesses of my mind.

_"I can't do it anymore Edward. I can't keep lying to them and it hurts too much." my weak human hand clutched at my shirt right over where I could feel the intense ache, right over my heart._

_"I know sweetheart, me either." he kissed the crown of my head adoringly. This is what I loved most about him. He was always there when I fell apart, when I couldn't feel enough to put myself back together, when I shattered. "What should we do?" his voice also filled with pain. We had been in this together from the start._

"_Break up with me." His eyes widened but I continued before he could speak, "Make up some excuse... Like you have concerns about condemning my soul or some nonsense and convince your family you all have to move away so that I can lead a human life." I had started to beg but I didn't care, I couldn't care._

_He shook his head at me, "What about you? I cannot leave you here love, not with Victoria still around. And what will you do without us? I thought you wanted to become one of us."_

"_The wolves will protect me from Victoria. Edward, please. I know I'm asking a lot of you, but I can't take this anymore. I thought I would be okay with it but I'm not and I never will be. I'll always want more, but I can never have it. So long as you all are here I can't get over it." He still looked skeptical and sad but he nodded slowly anyway._

_"Very well, but on one condition. I want you to remain in contact with me no matter what and if you don't respond I will come back for you. I know that defeats some of the purpose of leaving, but I need to know you are okay, sweetheart. We owe each other that much."_

_"Okay, I'll stay in contact. How about I call you once a month? Or send an email, something. Once a month I will send some kind of sign that I am okay." a small smile formed on my face. _

_"And if Victoria comes back and you have problems contact me immediately. I will come back, alone, to help you." His eyes were sad and weary looking. The past year had aged us both and we are no longer the same people we were back then._

_"Thank you, Edward." I kissed his cheek, "I love you."_

_He laughed humorously, "Oh how I wish we were in love. Life would be so much simpler then." I leaned in to hug him._

_I sighed softly against his chest, "What will you tell them?" my voice was quiet; I didn't want to break the moment._

_"I will tell them we have to leave, that I can't bear the thought of you becoming a monster, and that with us in the picture you would have no chance of being truly human." he snorted softly. Over the year, Edward had somehow made his family believe that he thought becoming a vampire would destroy your soul. We had to come up with a quick lie of why I couldn't spend eternity with him and we were both surprised they swallowed that one down. Ever since then we had built more and more onto that lie until we thought for sure they would stop believing us but they never once questioned us._

_"I still can't believe they bought that one. After you have been gone for a while you should tell them the truth."_

"_Why?" _

_"Because you can't continue to lie to your family, Edward." he had been doing it for too long now._

_"Why not? You are."_

_My heart ached a little more at his words, " I am not a part of your family so what I do doesn't matter. I will just be the human that you met once a long time ago." They were immortal beings and I was just a human. Eventually I would become just a distant memory._

_"Bella, you are a part of the family. Everyone loves you. Maybe not the way you want them to but it is there none the less. What if I tell them the truth and they want to come back for you?" _

_"Wait until I'm dead." I whispered and his arms tightened around me._

_"My dearest friend, it hurts to lose you, but I know you need this. I will visit you eventually, maybe not in 10 or 20 years but I will come for you." _

And just like that they were gone. Their presence was completely erased from Forks. The first few months were the hardest but I started to get better when Jacob came around more. We became good friends, but I never told him the truth about my relationship with Edward.

At the end of each month I would contact Edward like I had promised. Sometimes it would be a letter other times a call or an email. He always sent one back. He talked about how the family was and what they were doing.

Each time he ended with "I miss you, so much love." and I missed him too. I missed them all but I missed her most. The way her giggle sounded throughout a room, her smell, her light, friendly caresses that always made me shiver.

Edward told me that the family didn't do very well after they left. Everyone was more morose then usually and never in a very good mood. He soon had plans to break off away from them for a little while because it hurt him too much to be there with them when he knew the truth.

He planned to come and visit me when he traveled. I wanted to see him too and when he said he would visit me I was ecstatic.

Jacob and I had been hanging out for months at this point and I was feeling much better, I was nowhere near okay, but I was at least out of my almost catatonic state I had been in.

That was of course when Victoria had to show up and ruin everything. I was just sitting in the meadow thinking about Edward's upcoming visit when out of nowhere she shows up.

She knew the wolves would be on their way soon so she didn't take the time to torture me. She bit me, but before she could drain all of my blood the wolves had been on her, ripping her apart.

Of course, they couldn't save me. Only a vampire could have gotten the venom out of my system. Jake stayed with me throughout the transformation and was there for me when I finally woke up.

The first thing I did was run, far and very fast, but in no particular direction. I never looked back, I just took off. Jake tried to keep up for a while but I was a new born and my strength was nearly double that of an older vampire, so he couldn't catch me.

I don't know why I ran. Maybe it was because I was angry and upset. After all my plan to stay human so I could eventually die and no longer have to worry about being completely in love with someone I couldn't have, had been ruined. I was now immortal, how could I avoid someone whose presence drew me in, for an eternity? I couldn't. So I ran.

It had been nearly half a decade since that night and I still hadn't stopped running. I have been around the world several times now, I've lived in countless countries, and I know half a dozen languages, but I still can't forget her face. I found that if I stayed in one place to long I would feel a strange tugging to go and find her. It would become unbearable and I had almost succumbed to it multiple times.

They only way to prevent it was to keep moving, but I'm tired of trying to avoid them.

Right now I'm sitting in an abandoned building somewhere around Germany. I was sitting after I had just come back from hunting in the nearby forest. I started to think about spending the rest of my eternity doing this and I realized I couldn't.

I made the decision to see if Edward's old number was still in service and walked to the nearest pay phone.

It rang twice before Edward's hasty words cut through the third ring. "Bella? Is that you?"

"Do you always answer your phone like that?" I had to laugh at him. It had been five years and he already knew I was going to call?

"Well, you are the only one it could have been. I got a new number years ago but I kept this one active just in case." he sounded almost angry.

"I'm sorry, Edward." I knew it was wrong to run but it seemed like the only solution at the time and I never really slowed down to think it threw.

"Do you have any idea how terrible it was to come to Forks and have to find out through a _wolf_ that my best friend had been attacked by Victoria and turned into a vampire, not only that but you also ran away." Edward's voice broke at the end of his speech. "I have missed you so much Bella and there is so much I need to tell you. Can we please meet? Where are you?"

"I think I'm somewhere in Germany, but I'm not sure. Does your family have any homes in Europe?" I was already resigned to meet with him before I even called.

"Yes, we have one in Copenhagen. It shouldn't be too much of a run from Germany to Denmark." He gave me directions for when I entered the city and told me that I could just wait inside. He planned to be on the next plane to wherever was closest and he made me promise that I would be there waiting and I wouldn't leave before seeing him.

After we hung up I began the long run to their small mansion in Denmark. Their house was located a little ways outside of the town and in the closest available forest. Of course they would choose Copenhagen, the rainiest city in Europe.

I made it up to their house without much trouble. The trip only took about three hours thanks to my ability to outrun most anything, vampires included.

The house was beautiful, of course. It was a very modern house but it had the usual aspects of a Cullen house, large windows, open spaces, light colors, etc.

I leapt to an unlocked window on the second floor and let myself in. After getting bearings, I made it downstairs to the living room and decided to waste a few hours watching TV. After a while I realized that my appearance was rather gruff due to living in abandoned buildings and forests. I couldn't remember the last time I had replaced my clothes or taken a proper bath so I decided to take care of both before Edward arrived.

I went upstairs and took a shower, making sure to make it last. When I finally finished I realized I had forgotten to get clothes first. After listening for several seconds, to make sure I was alone, I flitted out of the bathroom and into the first room I came across.

It happened to be Rosalie's and Emmett's room. Before the change I had fit into Rose's clothes easily but now the were too tight. I knew the change had altered my facial features, broadened my shoulders, packed on a layer of muscle, and forced me to grow a few inches. So know I no longer fit in her clothes.

The next room was Jasper's and after trying on several pairs, I found a nice durable pair of dark jeans and a v-neck t-shirt. Both were a little loose but it gave me a slightly more stylish appearance and hid my new curves well. I continued to look through his closet and in the very back I found an old beaten up leather jacket with heavy duty buckles crossing the front. Satisfied with the clothes I decided to look for a pair of shoes also.

I eventually found a pair of black riding boots that matched the jacket. I put on my new attire and walked out of the room making sure I left everything as it was.

Just as I was walking down the hall, a thought hit me. This was a Cullen house, meaning Alice would have a room here also. Before I could stop myself I was wrenching open each door trying to find her room.

Finally at the end of the hall, I found it. The only thing that distinguished it from the rest was the slight smell of the tiny vampire emanating from the room. The scent was barely there but my heightened senses picked it up. I inhaled my favorite scent greedily. I hadn't smelled Alice at all in five years and I had never smelled her with my heightened scenes. Now that I could truly smell her it had an even stronger affect. My knees went weak and my breathing increased. As a human I thought she smelled like freshly baked goods but now as a vampire I could make out each individual scent.

Warm sugar, cinnamon, and chocolate were the strongest components but there were so many more. I had to swallow back a mouth full of venom when I realized my mouth was actually watering at the scent. I inhaled deeply a few times outside the door before I opened it. Her room looked almost exactly like the one in Forks. The only difference was the lack of pictures of Alice and me together or me.

Alice loved to draw, and back when we were still friends she drew countless pictures of Alice and I or just portraits of me. She use to have them spread out over her drawing desk with a few special ones hanging on the walls, but this room only had pictures of scenery or her family.

I collapsed on her bed when the memories I had suppressed for five years came rushing back. Glimpses of Alice and me laughing, Alice smiling kindly at me, the wicked expression that would cross her face when she was about to play a prank on someone, most of my human memories were a little blurry or distorted but Alice's face was still crystal clear and her musical laughter still echoed in my ears.

More time must have passed than I had realized because the next thing I know, Edward is leaning into my line of vision.

"Bella." He has a knowing expression on his face as his eyes gaze deeply into mine. "Come on, let's go talk." He pulled me out of Alice's room and shut the door gently. He pulled me until we were sitting on a comfortable couch in what must have been his room.

"How have you been, Edward?" I was happy to see him but I couldn't seem to pull myself out of my memories.

"There is so much I need to tell you, but we have to hurry this visit a bit because Alice is out hunting right now but she'll be back soon."

"You brought Alice!" I practically screamed at him.

"It couldn't be helped Bella! She was with me when you called and she wouldn't let me go without her." Before he could finish I was sprinting out of his room and toward the front door. "Bella!" I didn't slow down until I reached the front lawn and he tackled me to the ground.

"Edward, I don't want to hurt you." My voice was ice cold but he wasn't paying any attention to it. We struggled for a bit as he tried to get a good hold and I tried to not lose my temper. After a few minutes I gave up trying not to hurt him and easy maneuvered myself until I had both feet planted on his chest and pushed with all my might.

He flew across the small clearing but before I heard his body hit the ground I was up and sprinting away. It felt just like before when I would get the urge to see her and I would run. Except this time she was so close, the pull was unbearable. I let my instincts take over as I sprinted through the woods, leaping over logs and fallen brush.

As I was running I came across a new scent, an intoxicating scent. She was here. I froze mid step and spun around looking for her. The whole point of running away was so that I wouldn't have to see her right now, but it seems that she found me instead. I threw up my shield as I heard a soft footfall behind me.

My whole body tensed in anticipation at seeing her again, I turned slowly to look at her. She was stunning. My memories couldn't do her justice and here she was standing right in front of me, not moving besides the slight rise and fall of her chest as she breathed in and out quickly.

To look at her you wouldn't think that such a slight person could instill so much fear in me but her very presence made me quake. The need to be close to her was so strong that I had to lock my muscles in place to keep me from taking her right here and the effort was causing my whole body to shake.

We continued to look at each other for a few seconds. I noticed that her heavy breathing hadn't stopped and her eyes shined with tears she would never shed.

"Bella." She breathed out. I felt like I had been struck by a sledge hammer at her soft words and I flinched. She had so much power over me and more so now than when I was human. I closed my eyes briefly but they flew open again when I heard her move closer to me. She was right in front of me now with her hand lightly touching my face.

Her touch caused me to lose any shred of control that I had left. I moved into her so fast I doubt she even saw the movement. My arms wrapped around her middle and I lifted her up so I could hold her closer to me. Her legs in turn wrapped around my waist and her arms around my shoulders as she buried her face into my throat.

She completely surrounded me and I breathed deeply as her scent engulfed me. I hope she thought that it was a friendly gesture and nothing more because I didn't think I could explain myself if she didn't. Having her close to me was intoxicating and I felt like I could finally relax. For the first time in years I felt my body release all its tension and I collapsed to the ground with her still in my arms.

Alice didn't seem to mind as she crushed me impossibly closer and began to sob.


End file.
